Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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