after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
