someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
