We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
