i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
