So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
