i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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