bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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