I can text with my tongue
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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