she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize