So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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