You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
