I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
