i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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