Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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