Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
