Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
