Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
