if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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