Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize