So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
