everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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