My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
