Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
