I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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