he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
