On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
