he puts the penis in happiness.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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