I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
