can u get pink eye on your cock?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
