It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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