People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
