i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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