We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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