he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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