3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
