i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
