I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
