the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
