Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
