I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
