there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
