I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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