honey bunches of taint.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
