If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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