Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
