Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
