just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
