The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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