So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
