I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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