So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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