wanna go halves on a baby?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
