after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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