Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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