On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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