saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
