Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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