I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize