why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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