I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
