He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize