I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
