He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
