The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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